so i am approaching my 25th birthday this november and each year i keep thinking i have in many ways passed my "partying years", or the time in my life where i am "searching for myself?", but apparently that NEVARRRR changes. not never but NEVARRR to emphasize the it always being that way.
it is the unreluctant theme of my life that i am incontent with the way my life is going. i mean i aint is totally stupids.. i know that the ones who waste their life TRYING to enjoy it are the ones that DON'T enjoy it. i just really wish i could have a do-over.
like the 3 glorious months that i was on unemployment.. i wish i didn't care and didn't try to get a job that whole time and went out & did crap with my life. i mean i was so scurred about not having income i stayed home all day studying for that licensing exam & i couldn't enroll in school because they would take me off of unemployment. ughh.. the never-ending battle for twenty somethings that didn't finish college. do i explore and find out what to do with my life? or do i limit everything because i should finish school and try to have a real career.
for me that hardly makes total sense. i am already working in a 8-5 "career" position. getting a degree might help me get paid more, but it's not exactly the sole reason i am in school. what IS that reason i ask myself.. ummm "cause".
yeah, that's not really a sufficient answer but *sigh* i keep changing my mind i don't know. you know what really grinds my gears? (yes, i got that from family guy) is that i keep seeing creative people around me doing all kinds of crap that i wish i could do. there is a list i have that i am supposed to get to before... shit, before 30 years old to be realistic but at 25 i kind of feel it needs to be done:
1) Go the eff to CHINA!!
yeah, i AM chinese, full. my whooole family both sides has been & can somewhat speak fluently. now that my brother has been in taiwan for almost 2 years he's pretty close to fluent to. as for me? i need my dad to stand nearby when i visit my ailing grandma because as much as i love her & she loves me i don't understand a danged word she says to me. it's really sad to just smile at her when i know she knows i have no idea...
2) Visit HAWAII..
yeah i figure when i get married i'd go somewhere like this for a honeymoon, but i really really want to visit hawaii. i have NO IDEA how it is over there and for some reason i'm like the only one on the planet that hasn't been. okay i know, totally not true but i'm just sayin.
okay i know this is contradicting the fact that i want to be freeee & not be in work/school but here's 3
3) FINISH SCHOOL!
yes, i actually want a degree n shizzz.. but errgghhh ahhhhh, i don't want to be working full time while in that process. i mean unless it is something i LOVE!!!!! and working with finance i think that is something i CAN love. but i am definitely playing around with the accoutning & bookkeeping side so i can do my own business thing & be a part of OTHER's businesses. but yeah, that i am getting ahead of myself.
soooo.. yeah, that's a list. but for now, and forver i am looking for that sign that i should drop everything and do "____________" (fill in the blank).
a few months ago that could have been the calling but instead i stayed home didn't explore and got fat. that ugh.... didn't make me so happy.
well, this weekend is not a technical vacation but i'm getting away to be with the most inspiring friend me has. maybe i'll get some clarity getting away from the city. well MY city atleast.
peace
